Thursday, October 27
Nanosaur!
Woke up at 6am to the gentle pre-recorded request that I show up at some 5th grade classroom in a hour and a half. Caught a break everywhere else though, this was one of those classes who take their spelling workbooks seriously and whose teacher owns an extensive video collection. Add a minimum day cherry on top of that and we have ourselves an easy-100-bucks sundae. Oh, and computers! Sweet, sweet computers with their attention grabbing, kid quieting games.
Remember Oregon Trail and Number Munchers, educational computer games? Well they've been replaced by "Nanosaur." Kids love Nanosaur; they control a Velociraptor during prehistoric times, evading the jaws of a T-Rex here or a Stegosaurus' spiked tail there during their search for prey. All they have to defend themselves is their own wits and nanosaur's freekin' jetpack and laser gun!
How did the dinosaurs become extinct Billy?
They ran out of fuel. Fuel for their freekin' jetpacks!
Maybe I'm jealous, after all what was there to look forward to in Oregon Trail? Fording the river? Cases of dysentery? But, at least it was educational. Like, I learned that, well, the toll road is a rip, because it's easy enough to raft down that river by Oregon, you know that one river, with the rocks.
Remember Oregon Trail and Number Munchers, educational computer games? Well they've been replaced by "Nanosaur." Kids love Nanosaur; they control a Velociraptor during prehistoric times, evading the jaws of a T-Rex here or a Stegosaurus' spiked tail there during their search for prey. All they have to defend themselves is their own wits and nanosaur's freekin' jetpack and laser gun!
How did the dinosaurs become extinct Billy?
They ran out of fuel. Fuel for their freekin' jetpacks!
Maybe I'm jealous, after all what was there to look forward to in Oregon Trail? Fording the river? Cases of dysentery? But, at least it was educational. Like, I learned that, well, the toll road is a rip, because it's easy enough to raft down that river by Oregon, you know that one river, with the rocks.
Wednesday, October 26
Kidznewz!
2 classes today, both 6th Grade. First batch wanted to be "friends."
How old are you?
What's your first name?
What kind of music do you listen to?
Are you seeing anyone?
Told the freaks what they wanted, except the age. Couldn't get the image of all 30 raising against me. I have a sister older than that! GET HIM!!!
They're working on a pretty cool project, though. In groups of three they're reading short stories from a book they will eventually record on a book-on-tape for the library. I guess the idea is for kids who can't read good to hear kids their age reading them stories. Couldn't help giving the class a very flattering speech about how great they were for doing it. I laid it on pretty thick. When I was done, they applauded--couldn't figure that one out.
The second class wasn't as interesting, and I was getting damn tired by then to tell you the truth. Spent the rest of the day in this comfortable chair at the front of the class, occasionally ringing the quiet bell when the noise level distracted me from KIDZ Newsweek.
How old are you?
What's your first name?
What kind of music do you listen to?
Are you seeing anyone?
Told the freaks what they wanted, except the age. Couldn't get the image of all 30 raising against me. I have a sister older than that! GET HIM!!!
They're working on a pretty cool project, though. In groups of three they're reading short stories from a book they will eventually record on a book-on-tape for the library. I guess the idea is for kids who can't read good to hear kids their age reading them stories. Couldn't help giving the class a very flattering speech about how great they were for doing it. I laid it on pretty thick. When I was done, they applauded--couldn't figure that one out.
The second class wasn't as interesting, and I was getting damn tired by then to tell you the truth. Spent the rest of the day in this comfortable chair at the front of the class, occasionally ringing the quiet bell when the noise level distracted me from KIDZ Newsweek.
Tuesday, October 25
a whole week. yay.
Update, and I'd appreciate it if you would try to update this blog more often Jeffrey, OK? Look at me, is this OK? Don't you think this would be OK? Alright, go back to your seat.
Last Tuesday
A public school with black-tie fundraisers! And a freekin' elevator! At most public schools if a student says they're "going down" it usually means trying to pay for lunch. (Oh, burned! You're burned most public school students!) On the appliance-o-meter, the kids were as quiet as bread-makers (because who uses those things, right?), but what can you expect when the pacifying smell of cash is everywhere.
Wednesday
Took on three sixth grade classes, teaching math and science for this rotating teacher schedule they have at the school. Teaching math to sixth graders is kind of like feeding a duck with chop sticks, except the duck can tell the difference between mean, median and mode. Overall the sixth graders get a refrigerator on the A-O-M.
Thursday
First middle school class! Repeated the same lesson on Magellan 5 times. Think my act was club-ready by the end of the day, I did this one bit on the Euro-Asia spice trade that murdered, absolutely murdered. A-O-M: Toaster, except 2nd period, 2nd period gets Blender on Ice Crush.
Friday
Special day kindergarten class. Rode the gravy train today: ten kids per AM/PM group and an aide in each group to help. A-O-M: George Forman Grill
Monday
First go as a roving sub, except no roving was required. Instead the day was spent odd jobbing in the office. Implemented sophisticated anti-piracy measures by stamping over 2000 raffle tickets with the school's name.
Tuesday, Today!
Subbing 1st grade. All first graders are rats. If they took just half the energy spent on their constant tattling and applied it to their busy work and dittos they might actually make something out of themselves. Today's A-O-M, Electric Toothbrush, 18 electric toothbrushes, brushing my ear drum.
Last Tuesday
A public school with black-tie fundraisers! And a freekin' elevator! At most public schools if a student says they're "going down" it usually means trying to pay for lunch. (Oh, burned! You're burned most public school students!) On the appliance-o-meter, the kids were as quiet as bread-makers (because who uses those things, right?), but what can you expect when the pacifying smell of cash is everywhere.
Wednesday
Took on three sixth grade classes, teaching math and science for this rotating teacher schedule they have at the school. Teaching math to sixth graders is kind of like feeding a duck with chop sticks, except the duck can tell the difference between mean, median and mode. Overall the sixth graders get a refrigerator on the A-O-M.
Thursday
First middle school class! Repeated the same lesson on Magellan 5 times. Think my act was club-ready by the end of the day, I did this one bit on the Euro-Asia spice trade that murdered, absolutely murdered. A-O-M: Toaster, except 2nd period, 2nd period gets Blender on Ice Crush.
Friday
Special day kindergarten class. Rode the gravy train today: ten kids per AM/PM group and an aide in each group to help. A-O-M: George Forman Grill
Monday
First go as a roving sub, except no roving was required. Instead the day was spent odd jobbing in the office. Implemented sophisticated anti-piracy measures by stamping over 2000 raffle tickets with the school's name.
Tuesday, Today!
Subbing 1st grade. All first graders are rats. If they took just half the energy spent on their constant tattling and applied it to their busy work and dittos they might actually make something out of themselves. Today's A-O-M, Electric Toothbrush, 18 electric toothbrushes, brushing my ear drum.
Monday, October 17
My Very First Post
Prologue, Saturday
The phone rings and this hollow, pre-recorded voice offers a 4th grade class on Monday. 1 to accept, 9 to decline.
I push 1, and it begins.
Conlogue, Today
Jesus, those kids were sharks and I was a hemorrhaging meatloaf.
Behind those sparkling eyes and gap-toothed Dakota Fanning grills lies some kind of unblinking Satan. A single minded Satan that works each one of those bastard cherubs against me like twisted orc pawns in a Lord of the Rings chess set. Worksheets? Movies? A tie??? Only holy water can help now.
Huh?: Second bullet on lesson plan, "1015 - 1100, positive/negative pumpkins." No pumpkins anywhere, kids get "STOMP: the movie" instead. Eerily, they seem to have every routine memorized, clapping in-time at several points.
Oops!: Challenge punks to finish some worksheet involving newspapers and numbers as fast as they can. Winners get to choose their job for the week! Result, worksheet done in under ten minutes, winners not only get choice of weekly job, but also prime seating for the encore presentation of "STOMP: the movie"
Sweet!: The littlest, quietest girl in class brings me a picture she drew during the second stomp. It's a graveyard scene. Witch in front of moon, sheet ghost, whatever. But look there, on one of the tombstones, the last words, "I told you I was sick!"
The phone rings and this hollow, pre-recorded voice offers a 4th grade class on Monday. 1 to accept, 9 to decline.
I push 1, and it begins.
Conlogue, Today
Jesus, those kids were sharks and I was a hemorrhaging meatloaf.
Behind those sparkling eyes and gap-toothed Dakota Fanning grills lies some kind of unblinking Satan. A single minded Satan that works each one of those bastard cherubs against me like twisted orc pawns in a Lord of the Rings chess set. Worksheets? Movies? A tie??? Only holy water can help now.
Huh?: Second bullet on lesson plan, "1015 - 1100, positive/negative pumpkins." No pumpkins anywhere, kids get "STOMP: the movie" instead. Eerily, they seem to have every routine memorized, clapping in-time at several points.
Oops!: Challenge punks to finish some worksheet involving newspapers and numbers as fast as they can. Winners get to choose their job for the week! Result, worksheet done in under ten minutes, winners not only get choice of weekly job, but also prime seating for the encore presentation of "STOMP: the movie"
Sweet!: The littlest, quietest girl in class brings me a picture she drew during the second stomp. It's a graveyard scene. Witch in front of moon, sheet ghost, whatever. But look there, on one of the tombstones, the last words, "I told you I was sick!"
